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Thursday, June 18, 2009

A Promise to my Daughter

As my return date to work draws closer (six more weeks), my heart is saddened to think of leaving my baby girl while I'm at work. I never pegged myself as the "stay at home mom" type. I've worked hard to get to where I'm at professionally, and I always assumed (and intended) to return to work. After all, wouldn't it be foolish to spend so many years in school to eventually stay home? That was my rationale until I held my beautiful daughter in my arms for the first time. Even then I didn't give staying home much thought, but as I spend more and more time with Zoe, my heart (and my thought process) has changed. Being home with Zoe is now incredibly important to me. This is my calling. She is my calling. And I don't think anyone will care for her as well as I can. But....there's always a pesky "but" lurking in the background. BUT....staying home isn't an option right now. Trevor and I are praying for the Lord's direction on how to get me home. We are confident that unexpected doors will open and the opportunity will present itself. In the meantime, I'm beginning the process of preparing myself, both mentally and emotionally, to return to work in early August. My law firm has undergone a lot of changes during my maternity leave, so I stand to be incredibly busy when I return. (I've even been asked twice to consider returning early; I declined) The practice of law at a large firm is demanding enough as it is, but when you factor in being understaffed, it's a much more daunting scenario. I don't know what to expect, but I'm fearing the worst. As a new mom, the prospect of very long workdays concerns me.

All of this brings me to the promise I made my daughter. Last night as I nursed Zoe during her bedtime routine, which is one of my favorite parts of the day with her, by the way, I gently rubbed her head, and through tears, I had a heart-to-heart with her. And I made a plea.

I promised Zoe that Daddy and I WILL work (and are working) on getting Mommy home with her full-time as soon as possible. I promised her that we would not give up until this becomes a reality. I told her how very much I love her, and that nothing, other than her Daddy and my relationship with Jesus, is more important to me than her. I told her how much happiness she's brought me. And I told her that sadly, in August, Mommy has to return to work, but Daddy will be home with her for three months to love on her and keep her safe. And I assured her that I will miss her terribly every day.

I also made a plea to Zoe. I asked her to forgive me for the time we'll spend apart when I return to work. And I asked her not to forget me. I also asked her not to love me less. I know that sounds silly because I'll still see her every morning and evening, but after spending every waking hour with her for six months, I can't help but worry that she'll feel the difference. As I figure it, I'll get about four hours or so with Zoe on workdays. Four hours! That is unacceptable!!! Zoe and I have developed an incredible bond. There's something special about the way she looks at me. Sometimes when she looks at me while I'm nursing her and at other random times, I truly feel like she's communicating with me through her eyes; the look is so tender, loving and trusting. I don't want that tender look from her to ever change. I never want her to look at me with disappointment, sadness or rejection in her eyes because I'm not there for her enough.

Staying home with Zoe will require sacrifices on our part. We'll have to eat out less, actually work on the budget we've been threatening to start for the past three years, stop shopping on a whim without worrying about our bills being covered, take more conservative vacations, live in a less expensive home, postpone buying a new car, and the list goes on. But it's only temporary. And I think it's worth it. And more importantly, I know that the Lord will honor our sacrifice. He will be well pleased. And Zoe will receive tender loving care daily from a mommy who thinks the world of her.

I pray that I can keep my promise to Zoe. In the meantime, I desperately hope that Zoe will grant me my plea.

For my readers....I covet your prayers as I prepare for this difficult transition.

2 comments:

Jenni said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. First, you are such a wonderful mother. I just wanted to tell you that. It was touching to read your letter to Zoe and I can clearly see how much you love her and love being her mom.

I know that in this day and age, being a "stay at home" mom is not as glamorous as it used to be. Back when our own grandmothers were having children, and even our own mothers, staying at home is what you were supposed to do. But now, it is almost frowned upon if a woman decides to do that.

I think it's really sad. I love reading about women who have rejoiced in motherhood and are proud to raise their children. There is a blog that I really love to read, called "The NieNie Dialogues" and she is a stay at home mother of 4, and she makes it seem "cool" to be so. She and her husband were in a plane crash last August and the response to her family's needs were astronomical - from bloggers around the world. She touched (and still touches) so many womens lives. Her blog link is: http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/

You will have to read her archived blog posts back to before she had her plane crash. She is inspirational.

I bet going back to work is going to be really stressful. I have been fortunate enough to be able to work from home with my music career, but when Preston was just 6 weeks old I started getting emails and requests from people and fellow music collegues to start performing again, to compose new music, to travel to do concerts, etc....It was really overwhelming. In a way I resented all of those people...I felt as though it was almost disrespectful to me that they would dare suggest in a round-about way that career was above motherhood. I felt invaded. I felt like my precious time as a new mother was already being taken away.

So I shunned those people away and continued to enjoy my time as a new mom. Preston and I took long walks together almost every day. I really enjoyed every day with him. It was a really special time in my life.

Sorry this is so long, but i feel so strongly about this and I just want to tell you that I admire you. yes you will have to make some sacrfices but I truly believe that the Lord will bless you for doing so. and you will never have any regrets. All those other things are just tangeable items and you will not look back in 20 years and say "I wish I would have worked so we could have had a nicer car." You will instead be grateful for your memories with Zoe.

Anyway....I should stop before this turns into a novel! :)

trevor said...

It will work out, just watch and see. I love you very much.