Tipping the Work-Life Balance Scale in my Favor

After five months of working full-time and attempting a frustrating and tiring balancing act, I'm happy to say the scale is tipping in my favor. Effective January 1, I will be a part-time attorney at my firm! I feel so fortunate to work for a progressive firm that makes it possible for women to practice law while working part-time. Mostly, I thank the Lord for directing my steps and softening the hearts of all the decision makers.

I know the debate over being a SAHM and a working mom is a very real one and emotions (and tempers) can run high. I believe that the decision is a personal one, and I think it is very disrespectful for someone to impose their opinion on the matter on another person. Each mother and each family has to do what works best for them, but none of it should be to the detriment of the child(ren). I know many women who work full-time and lead very successful and happy lives and their children thrive. I know other women that aren't that great at striking the balance and/or are miserable doing it. To each her own.

For me....I have not enjoyed the non-stop treadmill I've been on the past five months. And the scary thing is I haven't been working as hard as I would otherwise have to due to the economy slowing down legal work. Even still, my days since returning to work in August have increasingly become more challenging. I have hit a point of feeling inadequate in every area of my life. Again, I'm speaking for myself. I feel inadequate as a wife, as a mother and as an attorney. I feel like I give each role in my life "just enough" to get by. If I'm honest, my role as a mother is probably where I succeed the most, but it's still not as much as I want to give. And I feel like I have absolutely nothing left over for myself. No time to exercise (but that's a different story altogether), no time for adequate personal maintenance (I really miss having time to pamper), no time for personal quiet time with the Lord (where is my Bible by the way???), no time to spend with friends or keep up with them by phone, no time for blogging (hence the huge time gaps on this blog), and no time to just do, well, nothing.

In my new role as a part-time attorney, I will only be working Tuesday through Thursday. I'm excited to have two more days at home with Zoe completely focused and engaged with her. I think she needs this right now. And I know I need it because she's growing so fast. Trevor has been home with Zoe Tuesday through Thursday, so this arrangement eliminates the need for any form of child care. For that we are both extremely thankful. I used to think I was okay with the thought of child care, but after holding Zoe for the first time something inside of me changed. I just couldn't (and still can't) imagine someone else caring for her. No one will ever care for Zoe better than Trevor and I will, so why even go there?! I know we are very blessed to have the ability to arrange for Zoe's care in the manner that we have. Perhaps that's why I'm so resolved about not putting Zoe in daycare or hiring a nanny....because we have a choice and we don't have to use those options. I recognize not everyone has this choice.

This arrangement is not without its sacrifices. The most obvious sacrifice is financial as I'll take a cut in pay, but it's absolutely worth it. The most significant sacrifice, however, is the sacrifice of time as a family since Trevor is now working weekends. It's tough accepting the fact that we can't live our lives as most families. No weekend birthday parties as a family. No church as a family. No Sunday dinners as a family. In fact, most of what we do as a family is crammed into three weekdays that are also filled with work for me. But it's all worth it. For now. Eventually, as Zoe grows, we may feel differently. But for now the scales are tipping in my (our) favor and I couldn't be happier! I hope this change will help me feel a little more adequate as a wife, mother, and attorney. I'm not so confident that it will help my personal well-being as it's only two additional days and I'll be alone most of this time with Zoe, but we'll see. One day at a time. Here's to a new (more effective?) balancing act.

The View From My Office

I've been working from home this week because my mom is at our home recovering from a recent surgery. Today, while preparing for a conference call, I heard a tap at the office door. Below is what I saw. This is far better than the view from my 42nd floor downtown office.









On the topic of me working from home, it's amazing how much harder it is to work from home when Zoe is in the next room. When I go to my office downtown I feel guilty being away from Zoe, and I miss her like crazy, but being home is more difficult because it seems cruel to separate myself from my baby girl. Sure I take short breaks to nurse her, play with her or just snuggle with her, but some days, like today, I have to cut all of this pretty short when I have a lot of work to do. Today I just felt like Zoe must have been thinking "don't you want to play with me, Mommy?" And I DID want to play with her! I missed her so much when my day was complete. It's amazing how much you can miss your baby even when you're under the same roof. So very sad. It sure is tough being a working mommy, but I'm thankful that I have the flexibility to work from home occasionally. Although it's not the same as spending an uninterrupted day with Zoe, it sure beats the alternative.

Day 3 = More Difficult

Well, today is more difficult. I got home around 6pm last night and thoroughly enjoyed my time with Zoe. She started getting sleepy around 7:45, so we were upstairs starting her bedtime routine around 8:00. That's when it hit me. I only had 2 hours of quality time with Zoe! 2 hours!! How awful is that?! Although we had a little time in the morning, it wasn't the same because I had to get dressed and out of the house.

This morning Zoe remained asleep when I got out of bed. She finally woke up about 15 minutes before I had to leave, and she was in such a happy mood, thus I left in 30 minutes and got to work later than I planned. And today is her 1/2 birthday....6 months old already! I must have kissed Zoe 50 times before leaving the house. I just wanted to stay home with her to play, snuggle, etc.

On my way to the office I called to check my messages, and I had a message from a partner in our D.C. office. He needs my assistance with a new merger that has a short time frame. I'm hopeful that the workload will be manageable so that I can enjoy my evening with Zoe (all 2 hours of it....sigh) and my weekend with her.

I don't know if I can REALLY do this????!!! :-(

Breathe. One day at a time....

I'm a Working Mom Now: First Day Reflections

My first day back in the office went surprisingly well. Of course, I was very tearful yesterday morning (as well as the last six weeks). I cried three times before leaving the house, thus I didn't wear any mascara because I didn't know how I would hold up during the day.

Arriving to my building felt strange. When the elevator opened on the 42nd floor, I thought I was on the wrong floor due to some aesthetic changes to the floor during my six month leave. I made my way to my office---still as I left it. It was weird not having a secretary or colleagues to say good morning to. (My sec'y is on vacation this week, and my colleagues are gone---one retired, one resigned, so that leaves only me in my section in Dallas) The minute I walked in my office I had this strange sense of peace come over me, and I suddenly knew it was going to be a good day.

Trevor brought Zoe up for lunch, which was great! We went to a nearby restaurant, and I experienced my first moment of conflict between being a professional and being a mommy. You see, Zoe was very hungry (she only ate 1/2 an ounce all morning after I left), so she needed to be nursed. I'm typically not shy about nursing in public, but yesterday I was. Something felt fundamentally wrong, and dare I say embarrassing, about nursing my baby in the middle of a restaurant full of professionals. There were Blackberries and navy blue power suits everywhere. Pulling out my nursing bib, pulling off my jacket, and lifting up my shirt just felt....wrong. We ended up moving to a table tucked in the back corner of the restaurant, and I felt better. I fed Zoe, fed myself, and all was well.

The next awkward moment came when it was time to go pump. I had my pump in tow as I rode down the elevator with my family to say good-bye. (They came back up with me when we returned from lunch so I could attempt to nurse Zoe one more time in my office) When the elevator door opened on the lobby floor, a partner that has been chomping at the bit for me to return was standing there. I introduced him to my family (he feigned interest), and I awkwardly kissed Trevor and Zoe good-bye. (Are you supposed to kiss your family good-bye in front of a partner? Who knows, but I did!) So I rode the elevator back up with the partner, with my pump on my shoulder, as he asked if I had time to meet. I didn't want to say "um, I have to go pump." But I DID need to go pump. My right boob was about to explode! LOL. So I just said I had to make a stop and would have to talk to him later. (Are you supposed to blow off a partner to go pump? Who knows?!) I went to pump, stored away my milk, packed up my bag, and headed back to my office.

The entire day was quiet. I didn't receive a single work related phone call or e-mail. I guess my section is slow??? Having a quiet day helped with the transition, but I know everyday won't be (and can't be) that way.

I left my office at 4:45 and was pulling out of the garage by 4:50. (This will be my daily goal due to my long commute. I will just work after Zoe goes to bed to finish up my work.) I made a quick stop at the grocery store and Babies R Us and was home a little after 6pm. When I walked in the house Zoe was crying, right on cue, so I rushed in and nursed her. I was finally exclusively a mommy again, and I could nurse my baby girl freely and openly. I held Zoe all night, played with her, and just soaked her up. She didn't sleep well, so she ended up in bed with us. I especially enjoyed cuddling with her as she slept like an angel.

Day one complete....

A Promise to my Daughter

As my return date to work draws closer (six more weeks), my heart is saddened to think of leaving my baby girl while I'm at work. I never pegged myself as the "stay at home mom" type. I've worked hard to get to where I'm at professionally, and I always assumed (and intended) to return to work. After all, wouldn't it be foolish to spend so many years in school to eventually stay home? That was my rationale until I held my beautiful daughter in my arms for the first time. Even then I didn't give staying home much thought, but as I spend more and more time with Zoe, my heart (and my thought process) has changed. Being home with Zoe is now incredibly important to me. This is my calling. She is my calling. And I don't think anyone will care for her as well as I can. But....there's always a pesky "but" lurking in the background. BUT....staying home isn't an option right now. Trevor and I are praying for the Lord's direction on how to get me home. We are confident that unexpected doors will open and the opportunity will present itself. In the meantime, I'm beginning the process of preparing myself, both mentally and emotionally, to return to work in early August. My law firm has undergone a lot of changes during my maternity leave, so I stand to be incredibly busy when I return. (I've even been asked twice to consider returning early; I declined) The practice of law at a large firm is demanding enough as it is, but when you factor in being understaffed, it's a much more daunting scenario. I don't know what to expect, but I'm fearing the worst. As a new mom, the prospect of very long workdays concerns me.

All of this brings me to the promise I made my daughter. Last night as I nursed Zoe during her bedtime routine, which is one of my favorite parts of the day with her, by the way, I gently rubbed her head, and through tears, I had a heart-to-heart with her. And I made a plea.

I promised Zoe that Daddy and I WILL work (and are working) on getting Mommy home with her full-time as soon as possible. I promised her that we would not give up until this becomes a reality. I told her how very much I love her, and that nothing, other than her Daddy and my relationship with Jesus, is more important to me than her. I told her how much happiness she's brought me. And I told her that sadly, in August, Mommy has to return to work, but Daddy will be home with her for three months to love on her and keep her safe. And I assured her that I will miss her terribly every day.

I also made a plea to Zoe. I asked her to forgive me for the time we'll spend apart when I return to work. And I asked her not to forget me. I also asked her not to love me less. I know that sounds silly because I'll still see her every morning and evening, but after spending every waking hour with her for six months, I can't help but worry that she'll feel the difference. As I figure it, I'll get about four hours or so with Zoe on workdays. Four hours! That is unacceptable!!! Zoe and I have developed an incredible bond. There's something special about the way she looks at me. Sometimes when she looks at me while I'm nursing her and at other random times, I truly feel like she's communicating with me through her eyes; the look is so tender, loving and trusting. I don't want that tender look from her to ever change. I never want her to look at me with disappointment, sadness or rejection in her eyes because I'm not there for her enough.

Staying home with Zoe will require sacrifices on our part. We'll have to eat out less, actually work on the budget we've been threatening to start for the past three years, stop shopping on a whim without worrying about our bills being covered, take more conservative vacations, live in a less expensive home, postpone buying a new car, and the list goes on. But it's only temporary. And I think it's worth it. And more importantly, I know that the Lord will honor our sacrifice. He will be well pleased. And Zoe will receive tender loving care daily from a mommy who thinks the world of her.

I pray that I can keep my promise to Zoe. In the meantime, I desperately hope that Zoe will grant me my plea.

For my readers....I covet your prayers as I prepare for this difficult transition.